Tuesday I spent all day with her. She couldn't really speak much, and she rarely opened her eyes. Her lungs were filled with fluid. The hospice nurse said she had hours, possibly days. I sat and talked to her. I thanked her for the beautiful example of a strong, faith filled woman that she had been to me. I told her I loved her, to which she nodded, and mouthed the words "I love you too". I sang to her. "It is Well with My Soul", "What a Friend We Have in Jesus", "Great is Thy Faithfulness", and "The Old Rugged Cross" - all songs she loved. Then the time came to leave. I knew very well that this could be the last time I would see her alive. I tossed the words around in my mind the last hour I was there. How could I say "good-bye"? I didn't want to say it. I couldn't say it. When the time came, I bent down and hugged her. I kissed her cheek. She kissed me back. I said "I love you, Grandma, and I will see you again." She nodded. She knew it would not be on this earth, and so did I.
Wednesday she held on. I asked the kids if they wanted to go see her and they were both afraid. I told them that was fine. They had spent lots of wonderful time with her, and if they were satisfied with that, it was okay with me too. Thursday morning I got the call. 5 am. I made Craig answer the phone again. This time when he came upstairs, I sat up and said, "she's gone, isn't she?" He said "yes". I sobbed. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever known. She lived simply. She loved fiercly.
The funeral services were a strange experience. Usually I cry when I see the body, but I didn't. When I looked at her, she wasn't there to me. Yes, her body looked wonderful. She was beautiful. But there was no smile on her face or sparkle in her eye. She was in heaven. We were just honoring her life. Crowds of people came through the funeral home. The funeral was beautiful, led by my Grandma's Pastor and the Hospice Chaplian. The Hospice Chaplian began by saying that her job is to go and prepare people to die. When she met Grandma, she realized that Grandma was already prepared to die. However, what happened was that Grandma taught the Chaplian about living. It was so touching and so true. That's what Grandma did. She taught us how to live. She knew what mattered. She knew that we can't control everything, and that things don't always work out the way that we plan.
We did everything we could to honor her in days with us, and fittingly, we did all we could to honor her life at the services for her. With the help of the funeral director, we found the song Grandma always talked about, sung by Johnny Cash, "Life's Railway to Heaven." That you can listen to here: http://youtu.be/7mCYaDfvJAs We did a graveside service, with a full processional to the cemetery. My Dad paid his final tribute to his mom by taking a the funeral procession across the farm on the way to the cemetery - it was extremely honoring and touching to take her on a final ride across the land she loved most.
So for me, no "good-byes". I know I will see her again someday and we will be in Heaven praising our Savior together. I am glad for her that she is in Heaven and able to "get up and go" like she had wanted to do for the last 6 months. I am thankful I had her for 34 years. I am blessed.
"Her life is your legacy,
Her love was her gift,
And your memories of her
are the comforts you will keep
in your heart forevermore."
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