Adjustments

It's been 2 weeks since my Grandma's passing. I made it through all the services, and everything has settled down now. The day after the funeral left me feeling the "now what?" feeling. Since June 2, 2012, life has been on hold while we cared for Grandma. Now I feel like I have my life back, and there is a sense of freedom to it. I keep thinking that things have returned to normal, but yet, there is nothing "normal" about life without her.

I have been told that I should be happy - that's what Grandma would want. Yes, she would, but she also would understand how hard it is to go on without someone you love. She had gone through it too. . .when she lost her husband, my Grandpa, and her dear sister, who was also her best friend. I wake up each morning and think of her. I adjust my thoughts to the fact that yes, I will be staying home today. There is no need for me to be driving over there to care for her. Eliza's birthday came and there was no birthday gift and card for her from her Great-Grandma, and what I missed so much more than that was the birthday phone call from Grandma. She always called each one of us on our birthday. I think that is what I miss the most - the sound of her voice.

I found myself hurrying around the first few days after the funeral. Trying to get everything done that I wanted to get done on my days at home. Then, I stopped myself and thought, "what are you hurrying for?" I was so accustomed to hurrying to do a list of things on the days that I was home, so everything didn't pile-up on the days I was with Grandma. There are no pile-ups now, unless I just get lazy. The house is orderly. I am doing so many of the things that I missed doing over the past seven months, which is nice. But there still feels like there is a big hole in my life and in my heart.

I know that it's easy for me to escape the reality of this situation too. I can "hide out" here at my house and not go over to my family farm, which is what I've done for a week or so now. But, I know that when I go over there that I will really feel the loss even more, as I know that she's not there for me to go visit and talk with. It has to be so much harder for my Dad and my sister being right there everyday than it is for me. But we move on, breath by breath, moment by moment, day by day.

My biggest desire is that I learn from this. I pray that God continues to use this season in my life to make me into the person that He wants me to be. There are so many things that I learned from my Grandma. She did so many kind and caring things for others. Now, I want to do those things for others so that she can live on through me.

There are days that I'm not smiling yet. Many nights that I cannot sleep. My new normal isn't normal yet. A wise lady told me the other day, "Your Grandma is in a better place, but you're not." Exactly. I will get to a better place in my life, but I'm just not there yet.