Normal

For several months now, I have longed for "normal" to return. I've been in this up and down swing, where I long for "normal" which for me is staying at home and just being a mom without the stress of trying to be everywhere all the time. I don't much enjoy being away from home, and since my Grandma's transition into hospice care in her home, I haven't been home nearly as much as I would like to be. I've been told that it takes 28 days to create a habit. Well, I'm pretty sure that the habit of "un-normal" has been created so much so that I'm not sure I would know what to do with "normal" or what "normal" even is any more.

The other day I started to make myself think about what this "normal" that I longed for would be. Returning to "normal" again would mean that Grandma has died, and I would no longer be there caring for her. I tried to mentally put myself in that place so that I could really think about that as "normal". The more I thought about it, I began to realize that "normal" would never be the same. I can't imagine life without her. Even in her end of life state, she has provided guidance to me, made me feel loved, and provided great joy to me. Life without her seems unthinkable.  As stressed out as I may be, I know in my heart I know that what I am doing is important, and as soon as I walk into her house and see her bright smile, I forget all about my return to "normal".

I began to pray for God to refocus me; I am praying daily not to lose perspective. And, as always, God never fails. He has created in me the realization that this life I am living now is my "normal". The only thing that one can count on for sure in this life is change. "Normal" is apt to change to. What was normal 6 months ago is not normal now, and what will be normal in the future is not what is normal now. I have had my perspective in life changed completely in the last five months. As hard as these months have been on me, as much as they have stretched me out of my comfort zone, they have been a blessing. Truly. I feel so blessed to intimately share these days with my Grandma. I feel blessed that she knows I love being with her as much as she loves me being with her.

Do I get frustrated? Yes. Every. Single. Day. I am learning to re-evaluate my expectations. In the midst of watching my Grandma's health decline, and preparing for the end of her days, something inside me has changed. I look at life from a completely different perspective. This is my "normal" for this season in my life. This is what God has called me to do and with His grace, I pray that I will be able to do it in a way that pleases Him.