Unexpected

I hate to admit it, but this week, I was feeling quite burn-out. I have been running non-stop all summer, caring for Grandma. I know in my heart that caring for her is the most important thing I can do, but it's not only physically exhausting but emotionally exhausting as well. I feel SO GUILTY for feeling these feeling, which only makes a snowball effect from this situation.

You see, I am a "home body". Although my Grandma's farm was home to me for 21 years, it's not what I consider my home anymore. The house and property that Craig and I bought, work for, and built a family and a life together on is truly home to me now. Being away from home 5 or more days a week is taking its toll on my mental state. I miss my husband when I am at Grandma's and I miss just being in my own comfort zone. I miss days with less stress and less traveling in the car. I start thinking of all these things, and then here it comes again. . . .GUILT!! Because I know this is what I have to do, I know this is what I should do, and I really do WANT to be caring for Grandma, but it certainly doesn't come without it's pitfalls.

It hit me the other night as I was driving home late in the evening, and I noticed several people relaxing on their porches. I felt a twinge of jealousy in the pit of my stomach as I thought of my own wrap around porch that I have hardly enjoyed this summer. "It'll still be there next year," I told myself. "Grandma probably will not. " 

Then, this week, Easton came down with a fever. 102.6 for 3 days. He was miserable. I had just mentioned the week before that I had been missing the snuggling with him now that he was done nursing and was a busy boy. For 4 days I did very little except hold him and walk the floors. The only thing I could do to keep him happy. Eliza and Eric decided to go and spend a couple days with my parents and their Aunt Renee, so the house was very quiet. I ended up being home for 2 days in a row since we didn't want risk taking whatever he had to Grandma. I laughed to myself when I realized that there was no way that I could do the many chores around the house that needed done. . like washing windows, weeding strawberry beds, running the weed-eater, or cleaning the play room. All I could do was try to keep him from crying. Rest? Really? What an odd way to feel that I was being recharged, but I know that often God works in ways that I would have never expected. Easton loves to be outside. I found myself outside walking on the porch and he also was willing to let me sit more when I was outside than in, so we actually sat on the porch and enjoyed the quiet. I got to take in some down time in front of the tv - watching old re-runs of Dharma & Greg - always good for a laugh, even if it was while standing and rocking Easton. Then, I put him in the stroller and took him for a walk, another activity that I rarely get to do. 

I am now back into the routine, all the while still getting Easton back to feeling better. He's still a bit more fussy than his normal self, but I'm hoping every day that will improve. Somehow through it all, I feel a little more recharged than I was. Once again, I am reminded that God knows my needs and certainly cares about those little things . . . like the number of hairs on our heads.