A Change of Plans. . . .

Summer was off to a wonderful start. Good weather. Good organization. Fun activities planned. Then life happened. Life altering events that have turned not only summer on its ear, but life in general. June 2nd my 90 year old Grandma who has only been in the hospital only once before in her entire life, called on my sister, who is also her  caregiver, to take her to the hospital. One thing led to another, and Grandma made the decision to go to  Pittsburgh Hospital because she wanted to take the chance of the doctors helping her to get her heart working again so that she could live.

I saw her every day growing up. Even once I moved away, I usually saw her on a weekly basis, and she was at my house every holiday. I've had the privilege of being her granddaughter for 33 years. I grew up a fourth mile up the road from her in the original farmhouse where she gave birth to 3 boys, once of which was my amazing father. My Dad took over the farm after my Grandpa's death and being that I was only seven years old at the time, most of my memories are of Dad running the farm and Grandma being right there with him. She worked in the barn until her 80s, helping take care of the cows and tending her to chickens. She always came to the barn - every day - we never had to go visit her until the past couple years when she "wasn't able to go" as she would say.

I have been back and forth and all over with how I feel about this. I have been at my sister's side, my dad's side, and beside myself. The emotions are overwhelming and exhausting. The sadness comes in waves . . . .one minute I can set my mind to something and be okay, and the next minute something stirs inside me and the tears are unstoppable.  

More than anything, I just want to be alone. I need quiet and solitude to help me sort through this and just be able to deal. I'm certainly not earning any "mother of the year" awards right now, as unfortunately, I have a hard time dealing with all the noise while tending to my bruised and wounded heart. For now, it's a waiting game. We wait to see if she's strong enough to handle what they've done to her heart. We wait to find out what's next.

There are no concrete plans for the next few weeks in my life. I pray, "Lord, your will be done," because honestly I don't know what's best for my Grandma. Should she be here with us or at home with her Savior? This is one of the hardest things I've ever been through in my life. I sing over and over, "I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus/When I start to fall, He helps me to stand/I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus/And He's keeping me in His hands."

So the best laid plans of a fun summer have certainly turned a-wry. The good that I can find in this is that there have been a lot of teachable moments about heaven and salvation. This wasn't exactly what I was hoping for when I hoped summer wouldn't fly by too fast. This turn of events has made the last several days drag on and feel like years. I am learning more and more that God is in control. I have had to let go of my desire to have everything planned and just trust Him moment by moment. "Keeping my eyes on Jesus."