The past two weeks have been a roller coaster of events, emotions, and tears. One minute it looks like there may be a chance that Grandma is going to pull through this and the next it looks like a funeral is near in our future. This is without a doubt, the hardest and saddest thing I have ever experienced. I LOVE this woman. I have watched her in a hospital bed not being able to be herself at all. It is heart wrenching. I have had to walk away from her side because I literally thought I would throw up if I stood there any longer and let the emotions over take me.
The tears just. don't. stop. I have woken up on more than one morning with swollen, puffy eyes because of the tears from the night before. I wake up in the middle of the night, asking/pleading God for his Will to be done in her life. I pray that she doesn't have to suffer. She's too good of a woman for that. She lived such a wonderful life, I hate that she is dying this way.
I visited her on Thursday and felt a burning desire to take my Bible along. Grandma always read her Bible every day of her life. I asked her if she wanted me to read my Bible to her, and although very heavily sedated, she shook her head yes. So I began. . .. I started with Psalm 138. When I reached verse three, the words jumped out at me as I read them to her, even though I had read them the day before at home. It says, "When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted." "Grandma," I told her, "He sure made you bold and stouthearted." I read on, and although she was quite agitated that day, the reading of her beloved Scripture seemed to soothe her. I read more psalms, and then settled on reading her Proverbs 31, because she was that kind of woman, and because of that, I have been richly blessed.
Then on Sunday, I had the privilege of taking my Dad down to visit his mom. To say Dad doesn't leave the farm much would be an understatement. Trips to the feed store are few and far between, he most often has it delivered. He goes to the dentist, and to meetings to renew his spraying license and that's about it. So, we made the trip to Pittsburgh and I was happy to impress him with my city driving skills. It was a somber Father's Day trip, but I was honored to be the one by his side. I thought I was ready for this visit. I knew what to expect, but as I laid eyes on my precious Grandma, the tears came in buckets. I was able to witness the most beautiful and precious sight of all three of her "boys" all gathered around her bed to tell her how much they loved her. There was no doubt that this was a woman who fulfilled Proverbs 31:28 "her children rise up and call her blessed." Each one of them loved her fiercely. Dad and I stayed as long as we could, although we had to head back home to do the barn work. I read to her again from the Bible, this time choosing Matthew 6:25-34, which we believe to be one of her favorite passages. Dad looked at me and asked, "Can you do it?" "Yes, I need to do this," I told him. I read through the tears and watched my Dad turn and wipe his own tears. It was the most heart-wrenching day I have ever lived.
The Bible tells me that God puts all my tears in his bottle. From the amount of tears I have cried over the past weeks, I'm guessing he has a very big bottle. Psalm 103: 13&14 says "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who seek him. He knows our frame, he remembers that we are dust." This verse comforts me so much. God knows my Grandma, and he pities her. He know how much her fragile frame can endure. To think that God cares for me even more than my own father gives me such hope. This is a hard road and the tears are MANY, but God cares, He sees, and He LOVES more than we can ever comprehend.
I feel like I am walking around in a fog of emotions and at any moment the tears could start from the most unlikely of words or thoughts. The tears are a cleansing for me. The first day Grandma went to the hospital I heard an old Steve Wariner song on the radio that I hadn't heard in ages. How little did I know that it was going be so true in my life for the next few weeks. The ocean is surely a little bit bigger tonight because of all the tears I have cried in the process of saying good-bye to this wonderful woman. If you'd like to hear this great song, click on the link below.
http://youtu.be/ZU7-sBbWTlU
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